I was in the doctor’s waiting room and picked up a men’s magazine with a cover story on something about what men really want in sex. Now I’ve shared that in the book His Needs, Her Needs (see my resources) it is stated that a man’s number one need is sex. I was right when I assumed the magazine article would discuss various acts and positions. But the take away from scanning the article was that men believe the most important thing in sex is their partner’s enthusiasm.
I believe that every marriage can be really happy with the addition of two things. The first thing needed is enthusiasm, and not just for the sex.
Two weeks ago while discussing the four things I learned living overseas, I mentioned some coworkers who complained about relatively insignificant things and constantly compared their experiences in Spain to living back home. I’m reading The Magic of Thinking Big, and David Schwartz talks of the importance of digging in to study something to in turn become more enthusiastic about it. He gives an example of a family who moved from Detroit to Florida, but did not dig into the history, plans for the future, or the people of their location in Florida. So six weeks later they moved back to Detroit, where their friends were.
Now I’m pretty sure that if you weighed Detroit versus Florida, Florida would come out on top – unless that’s where you live right now. Dr. Schwartz says that this family moved their bodies to Florida, but left their minds in Detroit. That is a good way of describing many of my coworkers who went to Spain for a two year contract – they were there in body, but did not dig in to the language, history, culture, art, and people and left their minds in the USA. I can contrast that with the coworkers that had an opportunity to come to Spain for a week or two. In general they approached the opportunity with enthusiasm and like an adventure, and wanted to soak up as much of the experience as possible, like a sponge.
In a marriage you have to really know your spouse and be enthusiastic to be with them. Enthusiasm ensures that you are with them body and mind.
The second thing needed in a really happy marriage is a positive attitude.
At the SCORRE conference, I had the opportunity to ask several couples with decades of marriage each, what they thought was the most important thing for a long and successful marriage. One husband replied immediately: “more sex.” While there is some truth to that, he added that he really thought the most important thing is to always assume the best and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. He added that you always get back more of what you give. That sums up beautifully the idea of thinking positively about your spouse. We reinforce and fertilize our thoughts by repeating them, so why not start with something good and positive?
When I began this blog I shared the story of the debate between the Roman and the Greek that was done in sign language, from the Book of Good Love. The Roman ruffian assumes the Greek doctor is threatening him, and responds with a threat of his own. But the Greek doctor assumes the Roman is responding to his scholarly statement with a scholarly correction. Each one sees what they expect and want to see.
As Dr. Schwartz says, right attitudes pave the way to really happy married life. I have discussed how encouragement and gratitude can turn Good Love into Better Love. But with enthusiasm and a positive attitude, it becomes even happier Better Love. What about you? Are you in your marriage body and mind? This very day, can you show more enthusiasm to your spouse, and concentrate on the positive?